Monday, October 06, 2008

Worldwide financial crisis deepens as Pope's comments spark sell-off on Wall Street

06 Oct 2008 DDP - The world financial crisis entered dangerous territory today as the Dow Industrial Average broke below the 10,000 barrier for the first time since 2004, sparked largely by comments from Pope Benedict XVI earlier in the day that the world's monies were backed by sand. "This came as a shock to many traders, who had believed all along that the dollars they used to buy and sell stocks, bonds and commodities were backed by the full faith and credit of the US Government", bemoaned Larry Fine, a harried pit trader at the New York Stock Exchange.

In what was described by one observer as a "flight to quality", brokers and bankers lined up at the Vatican in an attempt to find a safe place to park their dwindling capital reserves. The move caught Vatican officials off guard, who assured the gathered financial executives that the Holy Mother Church no longer operates an exchange in any financial instruments or commodities. "With the coming of the Reformation there was no longer any support among European governments for a standardized indulgence contract, and liquidity dried up" explained Cardinal Livio Carrasco. "Some of our more creative theologians have explored sin default swaps and certificates of redemption, but at tops we could handle 100 million Euro at this point in time."

A visibly shaken Secretary of the Treasury Henry Paulson tried to quell rumors of the dollar's worthlessness at an emergency press conference in front of the Treasury building this afternoon. "I would like to assure all Americans as well as our international financial partners that the 'sand window' is closed. You can be assured that the Almighty Dollar will rise again from the ashes of this unfortunate misunderstanding and will wreak vengeance on all who challenge its status as a claim on the future earnings of America's children and grandchildren, bless their immortal souls!"

On a more positive note, "Mad Money" tv host Jim Cramer told his viewers that it was time for ordinary citizens to take their money out of the stock market. "I've sold all my stock, and I've gotten all of my children's trust funds out of stocks. I've heard from all my colleagues working on the street that all their dollars are out of the market, so I think it is the right time to let Joe and Jill Sixpack in on the truth. Wall Street is a house of cards. You're all screwed, get out if you can!" Knowledgeable observers say that Cramer is the biggest idiot yet to publicly call for panic selling, meaning that according to the "biggest idiot" theory a bottom to the market is very near.

In other news, the European Union Commission on Cultural Deconstruction today ruled that France is an officially designated "dunce" nation, and that all French citizens will be required to wear an appropriate dunce outfit until the entire country stops being so insufferably silly.

5 Comments:

Blogger Peter Burnet said...

07 Oct 2008 AP - Calling the latest papal statement "drivel for stupid people who ignore evidence", noted Oxford professor Richard Dawkins announced his discovery of the "greedy gene" and said it explains completely the current economic crisis.

"The greedy gene (of course, I don't mean that it is really greedy) evolved about two hundred thousand years ago in direct response to the altruistic gene, which, by an astounding coincidence, I also discovered. Man, a social animal as we all know, had to learn cooperation in order to survive in groups, and thus nature selected our ancestors to share, to be kind, to be truthful and to extend easy credit to one another. Unfortunately, we all became rather wimpy and hopeless at competing for scarce resources. Consequently we evolved a greedy gene that favoured tough-guy warriors who kept the game for themselves, became used club salesman and solicited investments backed by more women than the borrower actually had in his cave."

Dr Dawkins went on to explain how the greedy gene seems to operate in direct proportion to genetic affinity. "Children as young as four will often share their cookies with complete strangers, but when siblings both want the last cookie in the jar, watch out!" He also noted that the tension between the altruisitc and greedy genes was observed by Darwin, who saw it reflected in the first biology lesson he ever learned. "When Darwin was three, he was very sick amd his mother told him the good germs were fighting the bad germs. Immediately he began asking himself where these germs came from and why, rejecting her silly and abusive tale about how God would take care him. Ultimately this led to the famous voyage on the Beagle. My God, the man didn't miss a trick."

When asked to predict the outcome of the current crisis, Prof Dawkins said we would never rein in the greedy gene and restore cooperative markets until religion had been banished from the world and the Democrats were in the White House. When challenged that such an explanation appeared to have little to do with biology, Dawkins retorted, "Look, I'm pressed for time and it's quite complicated, especially for a stupid non-scientist like you. But Dennett is coming out with a book soon that answers all that, and it is brilliant. In the meantime, I advise everyone to buy gold and enjoy their sex lives."

October 07, 2008 3:35 AM  
Blogger Duck said...

Toche'!

October 07, 2008 5:39 AM  
Blogger Peter Burnet said...

BTW, Duck, have you heard the party is over? Again?

October 07, 2008 5:54 AM  
Blogger Duck said...

Yes, accidental evolution has run its course. Designer evolution is just getting started.

That's a good thing, right? Better to be the product of a designer than an accident, correct?

October 07, 2008 8:50 AM  
Blogger Peter Burnet said...

No doubt, and as usual your partner was way ahead of the curve. Just as he called Sarah Palin before any of the rest of us even knew who she was, so he was integrating accidental and designer evolution with Shakespeare and car design before anyone even coined the terms.

October 07, 2008 9:27 AM  

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