Tuesday, August 15, 2006

Buddy, can you spare $1.47?

Never mind the crisis in the Middle East and the chaos at Heathrow, only one thought has been consuming my every waking hour since Duck returned: how to spend our money?

Admittedly, it took a while to come to terms with the fact that the lack of an ‘m’, never mind a ‘bn’ after the $1.47 as stated in the end-of-year accounts was not just another one of the Duckians’ all-too-frequent typos. And it is also true that now that we’ve turned professional here at the Daily Duck, there is a palpable extra pressure on us to ‘supply the goods’, blogging-wise, in order to justify and indeed maximise the online revenue streams that have suddenly opened up to us.

Nonetheless, while it’s there and the tax man still doesn’t know about it, it occurs to me that we may as well spend spend spend! I had thought about prudent investments and salting that little bit extra away for the long, long retirement that my grandchildren won’t be able to fund even with the crippling national insurance bills that await them, but then I thought: what the hell, let’s just blow the whole lot in one go. You can’t take it with you, as they say.

It only remains for us to choose the right object for this blow-out. Here are the most exciting things that the interweb can give you for $1.47…

Option 1: A personalised ‘Daily Duck’ finger mitt, in Royal Blue and Silver

Ideal for spreading the word about the Daily Duck’s exciting bi-weekly mix of anti-religious diatribe and speculation about oil prices! Get those finger mitts on and get clicking! (Nb, to get one at this price we’d also have to buy 9,999 others, which is worth bearing in mind)

Option 2: One square foot of Number 2 Select Knotty unfinished 3/4" Southern Yellow Pine.

Continual stamping in frustration at having your painstakingly-crafted sarcastic wisecrack deleted from the BrosJudd comments section takes its toll. Give that square foot of floor directly beneath your computer desk the makeover it’s been crying out for!

Option 3: One Albrecht Durer watercolour pencil

I'd go for Burnt Carmine 194 in honour of Orrin’s witches, or Light Yellow Glaze 104 in reference to what happens to M Ali’s eyes when reading our thoughts on the origins of morality.

Option 4: An ebook of Samuel Johnson’s The History Of Rasselas, Prince Of Abissinia

In forlorn hopes that it’s the only book left that Harry has yet to read.

Votes please!


Blogger Harry Eagar said...

It was assigned reading at St. Pius X High School, believe it or not, and I started it, but I didn't finish it.

August 15, 2006 11:16 AM  
Blogger Brit said...

So it's the pencil, then.

August 15, 2006 11:52 AM  
Blogger David said...

I didn't even know that witches were named "Carmine." The things you learn on the Internet.

August 15, 2006 1:58 PM  
Blogger Duck said...

I like #1. We can issue them as prizes for contests, plus that will take care of my Xmas shopping for the next 1000 years or so.

August 15, 2006 2:20 PM  
Blogger Oroborous said...

If we are allowed to add suggestions, I'd say think outside the box - the electronic boxes of our computers, that is.

Since it's summertime, and yard-sale season, I vote that we acquire six not-too-badly-chipped coffee mugs, in assorted sizes, designs, and slogans, from somebody's everything-must-go event.

(Note: "We" means somebody other than me).

August 15, 2006 10:14 PM  
Blogger Peter Burnet said...

LOL, Oro. And they should all be old and stained.

August 16, 2006 4:37 AM  
Blogger Harry Eagar said...

Aha! The Duck wears Prada.

Width about FFFFF, I imagine.

August 16, 2006 10:32 AM  

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