Move over Nostradamus

James Lileks takes on 2006 with prognostications that are sure to provoke laughter. Only if all the news were this funny:

The spy stories continued to add up, as it became increasingly obvious that the Administration was boosting employment statistics by hiring hundreds of thousands of people to read every text-message sent by cell phones. “It’s dull, useless, meaningless work,” said one official, “but as long as it detracts from the search for terror suspects and needlessly intrudes on the right of 14 year old to send inscrutable, abbreviated rants about their parents without fear of detection by indifferent authorities looking for terror warnings, we’re all for it.”

The Supreme Court banned no-knock searches in Mosul; Congress passed legislation requiring US Spec-Ops troops to give up night-vision gear, and wear squeaky shoes, and speak in stage whispers.

The New York Times, fresh from reporting the self-destruct codes for the American spy satellites that had inadvertently listened into fifteen pay-per-view porn orders from cable subscribers in Omaha, revealed that US subs have been violating Chinese territorial waters to monitor military communications. The Times named the boat, the captain, his home address, and posted his credit report online. The boat was never heard from again, and was presumed sunk. Outrage was swift – but only when the Justice Department demanded the names of the people who’d leaked the secret information. “Not content with destroying the Fourth Amendment, this administration seems intent on demolishing the First,” said one legal expert who appeared on CNN but declined to give his name, fearing reprisals. (His name was later leaked to the Times, which printed it, but declined to name its sources.)

Read the whole thing.